through tears of joy.

How do I begin? There is an aching in my heart that I cannot describe. There is a hole inside that wants to be filled. There is an unsettledness that wants to be comforted. There is a fear that wants to be calmed. And I feel powerless. How can the life of someone affect another to such a huge extent? How can you even continue living life when you feel so wretched and despairing; so lost and hopeless; so confused and troubled? How can you continue when all you want is to know, "Why?", and realizing that you'll never know why.

I read this week that there was a shooting at a school in Ohio; that several people had been injured and that one boy had died. A sixteen year old. I didn't know him.

I prayed. I felt sad. I went on living life.

A boy died today. I knew him.

I wept. I prayed. I angered. I felt ashamed.

Who am I to question His plans?
Who am I to want and need to know why?
Who am I to clench my teeth and bar my fists at Him?
Who am I?

I know what I am not.... I am not perfect. I am not all knowing. I am not supreme. I am not just. I am not righteous.

I know what I am. And that is a sinner. In a world pitch black with soot and grime and ugliness that was never intended to char this earth. I get angry because I'm in pain....because I see others in pain, and I feel their pain. Because I see anguish and turmoil. Because I see brokenness and I can't fix it. I get angry at God because I hurt. And yet amongst the thrashing out at what I see as unjust....I see what He's quietly whispering to my trembling soul.

I never intended this. 

What?

I created this world to be perfect. 

What? How?

I created a place where I could live with you in a perfect eternity. 

What happened?

You chose to be apart from that life. You chose to be all-knowing because you didn't trust my plan for you. I never wanted this for you. I never wanted pain for you. I wanted a life that was beautiful for you.

God and I talked today and in my shattered frame, I felt whole in the end. I say that I know what Christ has done for me. I say that I understand...when I don't. I can't comprehend to the smallest degree what grace was bestowed upon me when He sent His Son. Can you even begin to comprehend that He created a beautiful world that we destroyed and corrupted, that He sent a piece of Himself, His only Son, to come and understand what it was like to be human, to feel all that humans feel; then to pay the ultimate price and die on a cross to be an intercessor for our lives. He gives...and He gives...and He gives...and He gives... Oh, GOD. I am overwhelmed and awestruck by You and all that You are.

Sin brought death and suffering into this world; and Christ will take it out. He will take us out and make us complete, whole, unsuffering souls.

Today He took my wandering soul and bound it fast to Himself. This boy, precious, sweet, beautiful, cherished Ian who was full of hugs, of joy, of peace, of beauty was taken out of a black world where God could say, "Yes, my child...NOW. YOU. ARE. MINE. And you are perfect." I weep; but they are tears of joy, because this is God's supreme plan full of glory, majesty and omniscience. Through tears of joy, I am beginning to understand his wonder.