Sunday, July 25, 2010


I've never wanted to write about death...but recently, I've felt I should. It's a painful subject, and therefore not embraced by many. Have you ever experienced the death of anyone? Not anyone special or close...just anyone? A fireman from a collapsing building in the newspaper article last week perhaps? A soldier finding in Iraq? A little girl who drowned in the pool near your house? An elderly women down the street of old age? Yes. Everyone has experienced death in one way or another. It's hard, even if you didn't know the person, to think that there is no more life in that body anymore. Their heart isn't beating anymore. Their heart isn't feeling anymore. Their just.....gone.

I know that life must end at some point, because life began at one point. I just don't like accepting that it has to end. It's inevitable; I can't control it....that's why I don't like it.

I am so incredibly blessed to say that I have never lost someone whom I was unconditionally close with. Both of my grandparents are still alive, and my family has been blessed to not suffer with accidents, nor sickness, nor deterioration. I know it's coming though...and the thought kills me. I am extremely close with my grandparents and I cannot imagine those lives not being apart of mine. I've known them since I was born....and it's like they're a peice of me. So why must they end?

"Benjamin, we're meant to lose people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mrs. Maple

Even if you didn't know them, those people who were lost in the fire, those people who gave themselves for their country, those people who, it seems for no reason, were just taken away; those people whose time it was to leave...even if you didn't know them, they 'were', weren't they? They were important to us. They were important to us because they were in our lives. Even though they were just fragments they were fragments who were apart of us. Don't you hold heartache when you've heard that someone has died, regardless of the fact that you know them or not?

"Beth: If God wants me with Him, there is none who will stop Him. I don't mind. I was never like the rest of you...making plans about the great things I'd do. I never saw myself as anything much. Not a great writer like you.
Jo: Beth, I'm not a great writer.
Beth: ...But you will be. Oh, Jo...I've missed you so.... Why does everyone want to go away? I love being home... But I don't like being left behind. Now I am the one going ahead. I am not afraid. I can be brave like you."
Little Women
Beth & Jo

Death is such a bewildering idea sometimes, because we don't understand it. We don't understand it because we were created to live forever. We were created to live forever with Christ, and as soon as Sin entered our hearts, we lost our forever. But God holds a promise to take care of us, whether we are victims or culprits of the matter. He'll be there in our trials. He'll be there forever.

I can't advise on death...or really say much about it for that matter, since it doesn't hit me at home base as much as others. But I do know that it is painful for me to even think about the many people who die every day, and what their loved ones must be feeling. All I know is that God is there when you seek Him, and He'll answer when you call. And if He uses death to bring you or others to Himself, then that's His plan; and his plan is never Gone....

Friday, July 23, 2010

It's Complicated....

"Sometimes the questions are complicated....and the answers are simple."

There are often days when I have the most complicated questions. How did I get to this point in life....this EXACT place in life? How on earth? All the moments leading up until a single moment can change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes when I think of my life, I think of a maze, or just an endless map of roads. Paths going left, right, backwards, turning on end, curving, going in circles.... My life is an endless endeavor to reach goals and aspirations. But while trying to get to these goals, I often find myself getting tired and taking a break off to the side of the road. Or losing my way, or finding one way blocked and having to find a detour. Sometimes, the entire road is missing and I can't go on a road in that direction at all. There are so many questions in my life that I have for God. In my head, I know that God is my answer to every single question....even if He doesn't answer my question as I expect Him to. I feel like He does nothing most times (which is definitely not what He does). Often, my body sees Him as a guide or last resort. In truth, He is my only guide, and my only resort. It's so easy to doubt what you're already unsure about. I have a relationship with God...not a religion. At times, however, it can feel like a one-sided relationship....which is no relationship at all. God answers me with clear "yes's", and "no's"....but what confuses me the most (and distresses me even more) is when He says "Wait"...and especially when He says nothing at all. I honestly believe that I learn best, though, when He is silent... I understand Him so much better.

Here's something that I've learned though. When things seem like they are the most complicated that they've ever been..... there is always a simple answer behind the problem. Or sometimes, no answer at all. Sometimes we tend to feed off of self-pity because, in a way, it comforts us. However, that self-pity can drive us into depression, and self-deprivation. I truly believe that God gives us only what we can handle...never more. When we feel like we've been over-burdened and we become weak to the point of hurting ourselves, I believe that a Lion is prowling around waiting for us to break down. Or it's ourselves, not trusting Gods judgement and running off course.

Anywho, thought I'd share my thoughts. It's quite true in my life that I have such complicated questions and tend to be dramatic about my situations (wallowing in my self-pity), but when I find the answer, it's so simple. What is your question like? You're in my prayers.

Friday, July 16, 2010

We'll all grow up one day...

"Why can't things just stay as they are?"
Little Women
Jo March

Do you ever wonder why life has to change so much? Why you can't stay in one magical moment even for one second more? I have. Why does time have to pass so quickly? It really does go by in a blink, doesn't it? There are so many things I want to do, want to enjoy, want to be apart of, and they all slip away like thin silk between my fingers. I would love, with all my heart, for life to not change as frequently as it does. One small move and you find yourself tumbling down a hill in a snowball effect.

"I wanna remember us....just as we are now."
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

It takes great talent to truly rememeber moments that are worth remembering. Does that make sense? How do you define moments worth remembering? To me....everyday is worth remembering, because every day is different. No matter how many times the sun rises over a wheat field and sheds its light, weather it's a rainy day, a sunny day, a cloudy day or even a rainy day two days look the same. Never have been, and never will be. Can you imagine how much fun God has on his easel, painting every day with a million and one different hues and tones. That's why I love photography so could capture every day, if you wanted, and look back on it in it's beauty. You can rememeber the exact moment that the lense closed, whether the wind was blowing or not; whether the sun was blistering or not; and whether you felt good or bad. Isn't it funny looking back at old photos and seeing who you were at that stage in life? Even if it was only a year've changed so much. Maybe not so much outside...but inside, you've bloomed into something new. Even though you will always be "you", it's hard to think that you've changed at all. We all grow up sooner or later. Sometimes it's so bittersweet though. Thinking about my life even 5 years from now...I am clueless. Five years ago, when I leaf through old photos, I'm amazed even then at how much I've changed. Magnificent, life...isn't it? Do you know what you want in life, though?

"For what it's worth: it's never too late, or in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit...stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not....then I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.... The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want."
Mark Twain

I guess you're really the only person who knows what they want. There are struggles on deciding what 'exactly' you want...but deep down, the true answer should be ringing with loud distinction. God knows where His path will lead you, so don't fret about it, dear, He knows where you're going....even if you have no idea.

"We'll all grow up someday, Meg. We might as well know what we want."
Little Women

I have a basic idea of what I want...but who knows? Five years from now, I could be completely different. But that happens...change happens. Even though I would rather have things stay the same because familiarity makes me comfortable, I understand that change is neccesary for growth. Life is so much bigger than me... I don't know what God has in store for me... Only that it is known to Him, and that it is good in His eyes...even if it might not be accepted in mine. I do know now, though, that I want Him when I grow up. What do you want?