Monday, December 16, 2013

“In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting. 

In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.

I liked the Irish way better.” 

Saturday, November 2, 2013


I think we convince ourselves that we need certain things, because certain things become so imbedded into our lives that we come to depend on them and what they do for us or how they make us feel. We let them control us and handicap us. 
We don't need them. We've just lived so long with them that we can't imagine life not having them. It doesn't mean you need to keep them and let them control your life. Let them go if they aren't good. Perhaps it is an object, perhaps it is a person, or perhaps it is an ideal or a word that you live by or an action. Whatever it may be, don't let it control your life. 
Because I've let certain things control my life... because I thought I needed them. I grew to depend on them, but they blinded me. If the only thing I have when I leave this earth is an infallible love and romance with Christ, then I will have all I ever needed and so much more. Yes, I forget oh too easily.

I am Israel. I am Hosea's wife. I am a scoundrel at best. I am a liar and a cheat. I am a pharisee. I am a Judas. And yet Christ, perfect in all likeness and being, chooses to be all those things in my stead. He is so worth putting away those things for His sake.  

Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord;
I will not look upon you in anger.
For I am gracious,’ declares the Lord;
‘I will not be angry forever.
 ‘Only acknowledge your iniquity,
That you have transgressed against the Lord your God
And have scattered your favors to the strangers under every green tree,
And you have not obeyed My voice,’ declares the Lord.
 ‘Return, O faithless sons,’ declares the Lord;
‘For I am a master to you,
And I will take you one from a city and two from a family,
And I will bring you to Zion.’

Jeremiah 3:12-14

Friday, October 25, 2013

"Every few weeks she would shut herself up in her room, put on her scribbling suit and fall into a vortex, as she expressed it, writing away at her novel with all her heart and soul, for till it was finished she could find no peace." 

Louisa May Alcott, 'Little Woman'

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

"The walls are closing in
You feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend
You take a breath and then
It starts to break

I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
So lift your shaking hands

Don't say a word
I'll stay with you
The tears will heal the pain
You shouldn't be afraid
To come undone

I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Fall down
Let me carry you

I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through"

"Pray You Through"

Monday, March 18, 2013

remember me as a time of day.

If you could be remembered as a time day, what would you be? 

Would you be morning? That small moment of dawn where twilight turns to light; where daybreak arrives and the quiet of the somber night slowly flutters her eyelashes to whisper "good morning" to the world with a splash of purple that turns to orange and gold? 

Would you be mid-day? The largest part of the day where everything is in broad daylight; where business commences, the sun shines the brightest, and everything is completely out in the open? 

Would you be evening? That glimpse of a moment where day turns to dusk; where all the light, colors and warmth from the day are drizzled in the west and then finally blown out in the blink of an eye? 

Would you be night? Those long stretched out hours of blue twilight that are sprinkled with silver sparkling specks, strewn across the sky and beckoning soft, soothing sleep? 

The truth is, we all want to be remembered as something. We want to have identity. Because we need to know that, while living on this earth, we have purpose; we have meaning; worth. We want to know that someone, somewhere is thinking of us and missing us, or at least caring about us. 

We spend a lot of our lives trying to be someone who will be remembered. Well, at least I did. Not because I wanted to be "special" or different or loved by others. But I wanted to matter. I wanted my life to matter; to know that I had done something of importance and that I had been someone and that someone noticed it. I went through a period where I felt alone in everything, and it felt as though no one noticed anything that I did or said and I couldn't wait to be out of the phase so my voice could be heard. 

I feel like I was heard. Eventually. And I was appreciated and I feel like I mattered. But then I went through another phase... where I went back to not feeling important and it hurt. Quite badly actually. I was silenced. And when I was silenced, I had time to think about why it felt so bad.

I had put my worth in something that was worthless. I had put my worth on the weights and scales of men and what they viewed as worthwhile. But when you seek their opinions, and when you receive it, you only want more. And the more you want, the more you tumble into a pit of lies that begins to control your life. You only matter if you match up to someone's idea of what you should be. 

I should have known better. 

I should have known that I am of importance, that I do make a difference, that I do matter. And it's not because I "believe in myself", or because "screw what others say and think, I have confidence in who I am"... it's because I am defined and molded and filled and given life by a Savior who chose to call me His own when I was a wreck of selfish pity and arrogance. It's because a God wanted me so badly that He would not only allow His perfect Son to endure the pain of judgement that I should have born, but He ordained it. He set me apart so that the worries of man should not burden my shoulders or furrow my brow. But that I may live in the promise that this world is going away and my importance resides in Him. I matter because He shows His glory through me.

But all that matters to men is fleeting. It is passing. Just like the time of day. It comes and goes. Now it doesn't matter whether I matter to this world, because I have a future in a new place.

"The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever."

1 John 2:17

"What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short... For this world in its present form is passing away.."

1 Corinthians 7:29-31

So I want to be remembered as a time of day, yes. Maybe evening, just as the sun is setting and it's my favorite time of day. But only because I am a momentary time that will have it's time and then be gone. And I am content with that. Because I am not my own. I am just a time of day in Someone else's story.

"...And they shall call His name Immanuel, which means 'God with us.' "

Matthew 1:23

Explosions in the Sky
"Remember Me as a Time of Day"

Ari Herstand

Sunday, March 17, 2013

these moments.

They'll all pass. All these moments. Good and bad. And when they do, no matter what happened during them, we must accept that they happened and we must realize that they are gone. We can't change what we did, what we said, or what we felt. We can only look back and learn from whatever it was. Laying in bed, glancing at yellow wall paper with pink flowers and green-blue leaves, purple sheets, a blanket striped in pink, purple and magenta with a white-grey background, large window with rainy clouds and grey atmosphere, old fashioned metal bed that creaks every time I move, a lampshade with grey flowers and small stains from something spilled a long time ago... I'm sipping every so often luke-warm mint green tea from a dark blue tea cup, feeling content, but tired, listening to the wind rustle the trees outside, and trying to make my moments right now pass a little slower.

They'll all pass. All these moments. It's hard to imagine that all of this life I'm living right now will just be a memory; that I will wake up one day, not in France, that I won't be surrounded by a foreign language, boulangeries around every corner, small cars, crazy traffic, bicyclists everywhere, kind people, crêpes, cobblestone streets, air that tastes of bread, school in another tongue every day... It will be in the past. As much as it has been a struggle and a test, I don't want it to go by without me truly appreciating all that I have here, have been offered and these memories. And I want to remember them. The little ones. The details. The parts that fill in what I did here in France. The parts that tingled my senses with their odors, tastes, appearances and impacts. 

I still have another three months in France. In fact, exactly three months from the 8th. Yet I know they will whirl by my face and I won't be able to go back to them. I'm really enjoying myself right now, which is a nice change from feeling alone and stressed. It's these little things that do it, like this yellow wallpaper, and the taste of this tea. It's these moments. These moments matter. 

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things." 
Robert Brault

Monday, March 11, 2013

Friday, March 8, 2013

mountaintop. can you come down?

"While ye have light, believe in the light." 
John 12:36

"We all have moments, when we feel better than our best, and we say, 'I feel fit for anything; if only I could be like this always!'

We are not meant to be. 

Those moments are moments of insight which we have to live up to when we don't feel like it. Many of us are not good for this workday world when there is no high hour. We must bring our commonplace life up to the standard revealed in the high hour. 

Never allow a feeling which was stirred in you in the high hour to evaporate. Don't put your mental feet on the mantelpiece and say, 'What a marvelous state of mind to be in!' Act immediately, do something... if only because you would rather not do it. If in a prayer meeting God has shown you something to do, don't say, 'I'll do it"... Do it! Take yourself by the scruff of the neck and shake off your incarnate laziness. Laziness is always seen in cravings for the high hour; we talk about working up a time on the mount. We have to learn to live in the grey day accruing to what we saw on the mount. 

Don't cave in because you have been baffled once, get at it again. Burn your bridges behind you, and stand committed to God by your own act. Never revise your decisions, but see that you make your decisions in the Light of the high hour." 

Oswald Chambers
My Utmost for His Highest

The valley low that's where we'll make our homes
But this I know that's what He saved us from
Cause we've seen the glory of our King
On the mountaintop

We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God

Oh I've done bad, what happens to me now
I know for sure that we've been changed somehow
And we'll be the glory of our King
In His kingdom come

We've been to the mountaintop 
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low 
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God

We build our temples
We build our walls
But they can't hold Him in
We are the temple of our God
But we can't hold Him in

We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He is here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God

Monday, February 11, 2013