Tuesday, September 11, 2012

time & life.

Time is such a precious thing to experience. It can't be kept in a bottle and saved up, but it is used constantly and always a welcome gift. It's something that I've been experiencing in a whole new way recently. 

There is always a struggle to balance well the time that is allotted to each individual; hence our calendars, schedules, notes, post its, etc. We try to keep ourselves on task by having reminders and filling in our time slots. Perhaps it isn't true of everyone, but I think people like to be busy. I know I do. Not overwhelmingly so, but enough so that I feel productive and somewhat special, I guess you could say. A busy life leaves little room for feeling alone, and maybe that's why so many of us try to stay busy. 

But mayhap it's for another reason. I read a quote recently that caught my attention, not because I utterly agreed with it...but because in some odd way, I absolutely agreed with it.

"Dear God," she prayed, "let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have to much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere - be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost." 
Betty Smith

Obviously I'm not keen on being the bad parts of this quote...I don't want to be deceitful or a liar or a sinner...and yet I am so entirely just that. But I do want to truly live every moment that is granted to me on this earth. I believe that time is never wasted. Sure, there are better things to do with your time (with my time), but everything you do is all simply apart of the Sovereignty of God and creates who you are becoming. You can regret things, but you cannot change certain things - only you look back, learn from  your mistakes and try to make more calculated choices as you walk through life. Leave the bad and take the good.

Life is such a wondrous thing, but honestly, there are many moments when I just wish it would stop. That the clock would stop ticking and time would stand still just for an instant, just so I could breathe in and out without the weight of worries on my shoulders.

"Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back."
Harvey MacKay

We don't know where the future will take us, even if we have life plans that try to steer us in a specific direction (as I do), but we do know that it goes on. Things will happen when we don't expect them, little surprises and pleasant things. Whether they turn out to be big parts of your future, or just fragments, enjoy what they are in the time that they come and don't fret about the unknown future. There is a Known and All knowing God who is pansophical in that. 
I say the above and yet I'm shaking to the core at what is to come when my plane takes off this Saturday for Paris. Thank goodness I have a moment now to think, breathe and write my thoughts in English. 
I cannot say exactly where I'm headed, what will happen and how it will commence, but I'll just keep going; and I would encourage anyone to do just the same. Maybe it's the five year old in me, but now all I want to sing is "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming..." There. Now you can have it stuck in your head too. :) 
To end on a good note...I think I'll let Tolkein finish up while I finish the tea in my cup. 

"The road goes on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, pursuing with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
J.R.R. Tolkien

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Saturday, September 8, 2012

to live.

Oh how I hate when my mind becomes consumed with thoughts and I become entrenched in a maze of queries. I have realized that recently I haven't been "thinking" as much; at least to the affects of coming to sudden realizations or wonders where I have urges to write here or in my journal. I have been living, breathing, talking, feeling, thinking - yet not fully comprehending, taking it in, or processing all that I have experienced in the past few months. Is that possible? I suppose anything is. However, I have found a couple things out, and yes, come to sudden conclusions about certain things as a result of my thinking through things today. And here is what I remedied from my "situation" as you will. When I wrote in my journal all the time, I complained that I wasn't living enough, and that I was thinking too much; was too passionate for my own good and needed to take things lighter perhaps. I have found that I have done so, and this new being that I have begun to create with new habits is uncomfortable to me. Basically, I didn't think of the ramifications that come with changing the way I acted.

Perhaps I'm not explaining myself as well as I'd like. But I think it's something like this: I was living a certain way, found faults with it and sought to live another way with the hopes and idea that it would be better. In many ways it was better, and yet in many ways there are flaws to it as well. So? There is no perfect way of living, no certain way of going about things. There is no special trick to life - you live and learn as you go along the way. This has often been my plight in life: how is there a way on earth to find the perfect median in every circumstance? Truth be told...there really isn't  a specific recipe for a median, only yourself going back and forth between extremes in an innate effort to remain strait. For the most part it works, but you grow along the way, knowing how far to the left you can go and how far to the right you can go. I'm comforted by the fact that there are no rules to this thing. Just live and let live. 

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 
Oscar Wilde

Thursday, September 6, 2012

brutal truth.

journal entry from April 14th, 2012......

"I suppose it would be a lot easier to write this on the computer because typing is so much easier; and yet, even though I know that my hands will be killing me after this entry, I prefer it that way. It's been so long since I last wrote... I don't exactly know where to begin. Perhaps to say that school is done? I'm graduating from high school. I have 32 college credits with a 3.1 GPA. I had a different year. Interesting and surprising. Almost had a boyfriend. Had some hurt along the way. Got a D in my Statistics class. Was President of the Student Senate. Had my relationship with God rekindled. Made friends. Said goodbye to them. Got a job at a coffee shop. Opened up a bank account. Got my license. Lost weight. Had boy drama. Went on a missions trip to New Orleans. Have been trying to get to France. Seems like a lot of wasted time in between. 

In general, I'm not in the slums, but not doing marvelous either, as I so often tell those around me. I'm in a weird mood at the moment and it's hard to explain why because I don't really know why. I would, however, really like to hit the pause button before things go by in a flash. Robert Frost once said that he could sum up life in three words, "It goes on". And it sure does...almost to a fault. Maybe its this old fashioned idea inside my head that wants to stop and smell the roses, but it won't go away. It is a marvelous thing to push on in life, to grow and strive for better things and improvements. But sometimes it's just weary along the way. I think that I so often try to find a median between God and the world, and I end up being entirely unsatisfied. The two don't mix; and I'm not sold out to Him as I should be. Because if I were, perhaps I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Miserable. It hurts. Something inside. And part of me wants to fix it. The other part just wants to let me be; just wants to hurt, just wants to cry, just wants to let the tears heal what it seems like everything else can't. Today is just one of those days...

I hate to complain, and I hate to be self-deprecating, but I guess this is a journal, right? I just feel as though I've held things together for so long and I'm tired of it. People have told me so many times that I'm mature; and I feel like the most immature, little child ever. I don't feel like I should be responsible for anything because I'll screw it up, or not do something right. Talk about insecure. Yes, I am. Completely. And I don't know what to do with myself. I feel incredibly inadequate and incapable of everything. These goals for France and the world? Who am I kidding? I'm just a child, only capable of childish things and too afraid to branch out into anything new. Dear Lord, I am so afraid, so uncertain and so untrustworthy of You. Why do I have to be so human? Because it is humbling to the core. On another note that's been on my mind - I am deathly sick of this world. The perversion, the brokenness, the deceit, the malice, the crudeness, the world. And yet I yearn with the deepest desire for redemption of lost and wayward hearts, that they may know joy and peace. I'm a mess of muddled and mired means tonight. Which means that bed does sound sweet indeed.... Goodnight." 

People have asked me why I keep a journal; why the hassle; how can I write and actually keep up with it; sometimes even "Eww, I hate writing - how do you do it?" Well, honestly I love writing. But it is for moments like these that I truly love keeping a journal. It's being able to look back on thoughts and entries to see how I've grown, how prayers have been answered, to laugh and reminisce about old memories...but mainly to learn from who I was and shape who I'm becoming. I struggled with depression for four years and I am sincerely glad and blessed by it because I have come to know how my Savior really saves, and how He saved me. When I go through my journals and see His "exceeding and abundantly above" work in my life - it is woven all throughout my mess and pulls me closer to Him. And for that, I am humbled, because I want nothing more than to praise His sovereignty. The above journal entry? He's wiped away every fear, care, worry and doubt in my mind with His grace, tender love, care, and omniscience. The brutal truth of what I felt while writing it was, well...brutal. But that's what makes Him so beautiful.

".....but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God." 

1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

monsters of life.

It's funny.....when I die, none of this will matter. None of these petty cares of the world will follow me because they all end with death. So why should they threaten our wellbeing while here on earth? So many pressures try to destroy us - doing well in school, being popular, having the right friends, being successful, being wealthy, having the right job, being beautiful, being handsome, having the right things, saying the right things, doing the right things....and to what extent? They all count as loss in the end. I am tormented by these small things daily, and though they sound little, they are giants to battle. I wish none of them had a hold on me; I wish I didn't have to struggle. But I suppose that's what we all think. It's no ones choice to struggle with these monsters in life, but it's not for us to decide. We must decide how we confront them. Do we allow them to gobble us up and consume us to the point of death and destruction? Or do we not grow weary and faint of heart, and affirm ourselves that there is an end to all things, even these battles on earth, and that when are done, there will be a prize more precious than anything our minds could ever conjure. Don't give in. Never give in, otherwise you will be forever lost amongst a sea of battling monsters. 

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." 

Galatians 6:9