Thursday, September 6, 2012

brutal truth.

journal entry from April 14th, 2012......

"I suppose it would be a lot easier to write this on the computer because typing is so much easier; and yet, even though I know that my hands will be killing me after this entry, I prefer it that way. It's been so long since I last wrote... I don't exactly know where to begin. Perhaps to say that school is done? I'm graduating from high school. I have 32 college credits with a 3.1 GPA. I had a different year. Interesting and surprising. Almost had a boyfriend. Had some hurt along the way. Got a D in my Statistics class. Was President of the Student Senate. Had my relationship with God rekindled. Made friends. Said goodbye to them. Got a job at a coffee shop. Opened up a bank account. Got my license. Lost weight. Had boy drama. Went on a missions trip to New Orleans. Have been trying to get to France. Seems like a lot of wasted time in between. 

In general, I'm not in the slums, but not doing marvelous either, as I so often tell those around me. I'm in a weird mood at the moment and it's hard to explain why because I don't really know why. I would, however, really like to hit the pause button before things go by in a flash. Robert Frost once said that he could sum up life in three words, "It goes on". And it sure does...almost to a fault. Maybe its this old fashioned idea inside my head that wants to stop and smell the roses, but it won't go away. It is a marvelous thing to push on in life, to grow and strive for better things and improvements. But sometimes it's just weary along the way. I think that I so often try to find a median between God and the world, and I end up being entirely unsatisfied. The two don't mix; and I'm not sold out to Him as I should be. Because if I were, perhaps I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Miserable. It hurts. Something inside. And part of me wants to fix it. The other part just wants to let me be; just wants to hurt, just wants to cry, just wants to let the tears heal what it seems like everything else can't. Today is just one of those days...

I hate to complain, and I hate to be self-deprecating, but I guess this is a journal, right? I just feel as though I've held things together for so long and I'm tired of it. People have told me so many times that I'm mature; and I feel like the most immature, little child ever. I don't feel like I should be responsible for anything because I'll screw it up, or not do something right. Talk about insecure. Yes, I am. Completely. And I don't know what to do with myself. I feel incredibly inadequate and incapable of everything. These goals for France and the world? Who am I kidding? I'm just a child, only capable of childish things and too afraid to branch out into anything new. Dear Lord, I am so afraid, so uncertain and so untrustworthy of You. Why do I have to be so human? Because it is humbling to the core. On another note that's been on my mind - I am deathly sick of this world. The perversion, the brokenness, the deceit, the malice, the crudeness, the world. And yet I yearn with the deepest desire for redemption of lost and wayward hearts, that they may know joy and peace. I'm a mess of muddled and mired means tonight. Which means that bed does sound sweet indeed.... Goodnight." 

People have asked me why I keep a journal; why the hassle; how can I write and actually keep up with it; sometimes even "Eww, I hate writing - how do you do it?" Well, honestly I love writing. But it is for moments like these that I truly love keeping a journal. It's being able to look back on thoughts and entries to see how I've grown, how prayers have been answered, to laugh and reminisce about old memories...but mainly to learn from who I was and shape who I'm becoming. I struggled with depression for four years and I am sincerely glad and blessed by it because I have come to know how my Savior really saves, and how He saved me. When I go through my journals and see His "exceeding and abundantly above" work in my life - it is woven all throughout my mess and pulls me closer to Him. And for that, I am humbled, because I want nothing more than to praise His sovereignty. The above journal entry? He's wiped away every fear, care, worry and doubt in my mind with His grace, tender love, care, and omniscience. The brutal truth of what I felt while writing it was, well...brutal. But that's what makes Him so beautiful.

".....but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God." 

1 Corinthians 1:27-29

1 comment:

  1. You express yourself so well. And while I don't understand the specifics, I think I understand the general mood. It's difficult to be caught in the doldrums at times. And how gracious is our God to use those times to teach and grow us? I am praying for you, dear.